Jennifer Ammoscato

Aspiring author. Successful chocoholic. Debut novel "Dear Internet: It's Me, Avery." May 2014

Dear Men Everywhere: Say it in your head first

on March 24, 2014

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The other day, when my adoring husband looked into my eyes and said, “I love you,” I replied to that man of mine, “Love you more.”

And he said, “Probably.”

Excuse me? What the frick does that mean?

Me: “What the frick does that mean?”

Him: “You know I’m just kidding.”

Me: “The only answer you could have given that would have been worse than the idea that I probably love you more than you love me would have been, ‘Yes, you’re correct. You love me far more than I love you. I win.’”

Him: “You’re not seriously angry are you?”

Me: “I’m going have to get you that book.”

The book I refer to is called, “Know What to Say to Your Wife (or Significant Other) So That She Doesn’t Want to Take A Sharp Object to Your Favourite (Insert Sports Team You Love Here) Shirt…Or A Valued Part of Your Anatomy.”

It’s a sort of men’s survival guide for terrain that’s far more challenging than say, the Mojave desert or even the Everglades without bug repellent. Bah. Those are child’s play. This book takes you inside a woman’s mind.

Chapter 1 is called, “Things You Should Never Say to Your Wife Unless You’re Bored of Living” (also known as “White Lies My Father Should Have Told Me”. It teaches men how to avoid such conversational pitfalls as:

“Do you really think you should have seconds?”

“Your haircut doesn’t look that bad.”

“That’s not the way my mom makes it.”

Any of these are grounds for divorce. And, possibly, the means for her lawyer to plead that first-degree murder charge down to justifiable homicide.

Chapter 2 focuses on mindreading—something that would be of great benefit in the following situations:

“What do you mean you didn’t know that I wanted you to pick up the dry cleaning? Do I have to do everything around here?” (Warning: Just to give you a sporting chance, I’ll tell you that this is a rhetorical question. DO NOT ANSWER!)

“How could you not know that when I said I didn’t care what movie we went to, I meant I wanted to see the one that didn’t involve explosions? You don’t know me at all.”

“I needed you to give me a hug an hour ago and you didn’t. You don’t love me.” (Note: this one usually comes once a month around the same time. Figure it out and, for God’s sake, be proactive. Buy chocolate. And maybe a bottle of wine.)

Chapter 3 is about how sweetly telling a woman that you love her for herself and don’t want her to change involves roughly the same degree of danger as walking into a bear trap.

This is what you say: “You look beautiful just the way you are.”

This is what she hears: “You look like a cow now but I’ll keep you around for your pot roast recipe. Even if it’s not as good as the one my mom makes.”

To tell you the truth, my husband is a smart man and knows me pretty well.

But if I ever did give him the book, then he wouldn’t have to guess why I just sighed so deeply that he doesn’t know if I’m contemplating whether life has any meaning. Or if I should grow out my hair.

So he’ll probably give me a hug just to cover all bases.  Why would I give up that?

Jennifer Ammoscato is the author of “Dear Internet: It’s Me, Avery” which will debut on May 28, 2014.

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3 responses to “Dear Men Everywhere: Say it in your head first

  1. Jolene says:

    I totally need to get that book and highlight chapter one!! Just last night my husband asked me to make banana bread “ask your co-workers for a recipe, something is just not when you make yours”

    I had to bite my tongue, but told him “nicely” that he didn’t have any bad to say the last three times I made it which was from THREE different recipes.

    He mumbled something and then I finally said “why don’t you get the recipe of the banana bread that happens to be your favorite then i can make it the way you like” …….just hoping it’s not from an ex-girlfriend.

    Like

  2. Jolene says:

    Good Morning Jennifer,
    I nominated you for the Liebster Award, you can view it here ~ http://www.valleygirlgonecountry.com/2014/03/24/winner/

    Like

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